Copa América 2011: Uruguay v Paraguay

Let's be perfectly honest, anything written right now is a profound waste of time. We all know this is going to penalties.

You know when people say they don't care who wins, they just want football to be the winner? Well those people have clearly never watched Paraguay strut their stuff in the early hours of the morning. There are support groups set up for that sort of nightmarish experience. It scars you. It changes you. It never leaves you. Remember Ukraine v Switzerland in 2006? It was like that, only imagine it being narrated by James Murdoch.
Paraguay, though. They're not even trying any more. Five games, five draws, five goals scored, five conceded, two 0-0s, two penalty shoot-outs. Against Venezuela, Roque Santa Cruz came off the bench to play up front, realised Paraguay weren't going to bother attacking and decided he'd had enough after five minutes, limping off down the tunnel; (that's my interpretation of his injury anyway). In a way, you have to admire such commitment to negativity. Park the bus, remove the wheels, throw away the keys and then park another one in front of it, just to be safe. You can never be too sure.
There is, of course, a morbid curiosity to all this though. Could they really win the Copa America for the first time since 1979 without actually winning a game? The surrealism of it appeals at least, even if the method doesn't. If you're watching the match, kick back, stick this on in the background and enjoy.
But while Paraguay go for their own slice of history, Uruguay are after some as well. Win this final and they'll be out on their own as the most successful side in Copa America history. They're currently level with Argentina on 14 titles, but will edge ahead if they beat Paraguay, an extraordinary feat for such a tiny country. They're also as nerveless as Germany in a penalty shoot-out, which might actually force Paraguay to do something interesting in this match.
Everything considered, Uruguay should win. Partly because Kenny Dalglish has been wishing Luis Suarez good luck on Twitter. But also because they're simply a better side and have better players. That tends to be enough in football. Indeed Uruguay have been gradually improving since the start of the last World Cup. It's been slightly forgotten that in their first game against France – a 0-0 stinker – they were every bit the Uruguay of old, defensive, dirty and slightly overawed against average opposition. But after that, they were excellent, eventually reaching the semi-finals, which is more than Argentina and Brazil managed. Now they're in the final of the Copa America. The team is packed with some very accomplished players – remember, they're not just about Suarez – and no one should be surprised they've got this far. If they can maintain this upward curve, which is easier said than done, no one's going to want to play them in 2014.